Call Me Ishmael

I want something and I’m going to get it.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The truck loads up mid-morning according to my sources. If I get out on the streets early enough I can probably hit all of the drop-off locations. That’s the plan, at least. And if everything goes according to plan, this could be one of the greatest scores in craft beer history.

Store One: One 4-pack.

It is the middle of the week, Wednesday. Normally I would be at work today, but this is too important. In life, you have to know what your priorities are. Mine is buying as much of it as I can. I am Ishmael searching for my great white whale.

Except I know where my white whale is. Sitting at a stop light on an early spring day, I follow behind the great white beast from store to store, hoping to get my fix. I am not alone in my quest. Like a funeral procession, two more cars follow behind me riding my bumper intently, not letting our lead vehicle get out of their sight.

Store Two: Two bottles.

Every so often, I get a glimpse of the driver’s face in his mirror. Wearing a blue hat and sporting a clean shaven face, he grins and shakes his head at me. He knows I am stalking him, following his every move. In most situations this would be illegal, but this is beer. Rare beer. All of the rules are out the window.

At every single store he pulls up front and parks. Getting out of the truck he waves at me, knowing full well why I am there. He walks to the side of the truck and lifts open one of the doors. I watch him as he lifts five cases onto a hand truck and brings it into the store. Before he enters, he winks at me, smiles again and disappears inside.

Store Three: Two 4-packs.

I’m in the next store. Act natural. People say that all of the time, but how do I really do it? Do I just continue looking at the bottles, pretending I’m interested in a purchase?

Blonde Ale. Brown Ale. Pilsner. 

Amateur beers. I can get these any day of the week. Do you know why? Because they aren’t good. They aren’t rich, full of flavor and impactful. No one brags about these rejects or travels at great lengths just for a sip. Anyone who is anyone wouldn’t care less if they weren’t on the shelf tomorrow.

They are...common. They are the salmon to my great white whale.

Store Four: One 4-pack.

The clerk knows why I am here. It’s clear that he isn’t stupid. He asks my name and if I’ve been to his store before. Lying is easy when you do it to get something you want. After a moment’s pause, he walks three steps to the right, bends down and picks up a case. He rings it up at the register and adrenaline starts racing through my veins.

Before he hands me the beer, he looks at me and asks how long I have been chasing the truck around today.

Chasing? I just stumbled in randomly I say.

He asks how many bottles I already have.

None yet.

Store Five: A CASE.

Craft beer is a competition.

I am winning.

Beer Snob of the Week

Beer Snob of the Week - Dark Lord Day

A new weekly (or biweekly) feature on Garde My Biere!

In case you missed it (I know you didn't...), Dark Lord Day tickets went on sale on Monday. I tried to get tickets, but I didn't.

[INSERT RANT HERE!]

After the dust settled and I was left ticketless, the world didn't end. It continued to chug along. The sun still set and it still rose the next day. My glass was still half full even though I finished half of it.

But for some people, the apocalypse came in the early afternoon on Monday, March 17th. But why? It is JUST BEER! There is plenty more of it in the fermenter, on the store shelves, in the keg and in my fridge. Wonderful, excellent beer that we could drink instead of complaining.

Which brings us to my favorite part about Dark Lord Day: the reading material. Every single year I visit Twitter or Facebook after the tickets sell out to read the absolutely amazing rants people leave. It's the highlight of my day.

This year it was a little different. Let's first acknowledge the elephant in the room: the queue for the tickets started before noon (my friend texted me at 11:45a telling me to get on the site immediately). A lot of the Facebook and Twitter rants were about this. I will admit that this SEEMED to be unfair, but I don't know what really happened to allow that and I probably never will.

But what I do know is that there still were a lot of comments laced with beer snobbery. My favorite was this one:

"Another year, another botched ticket sale event. Why do I even try anymore? DLD is just a shitty money grab revolved around an artificially scarce, over-hyped beer. Sadly, it will never improve as long as they keep selling out and 3F makes money hand over fist.

Every year the event gets more popular. Every year more people come in from out of town. Every year, the locals and regulars that support 3Floyds year round get screwed out of attending. They don't care that their botched system screwed you out of a ticket. They don't care who does or doesn't get tickets as long as that person brings them money. They just care about making as much money as possible on DLD."

3Floyds does care, my friend. If you haven't noticed, in the past few years Dark Lord Day has gotten better. A LOT BETTER! Even the ticket buying process has gotten a lot better. If you take away the unfortunate early queue, this year was the best year for buying tickets online. If the early queue gets fixed, we may have a winner.

3Floyds has also gone to great lengths in recent years to ensure that the DLD experience improves. Last year they greatly expanded on the festival grounds, the amount of Porta Potties, the guest draft list, the actual 3Floyds draft list, and the amount of seating available. 2013 was the best DLD day that I have been too. (In case you are wondering, I have gone the past three years.)

They even print your name on the ticket now to help prevent ticket scalping!!

Yet, we still complain. Would you still be complaining if you were one of the people that hit "refresh" and ended up in the queue?

Probably not.

Stop blaming 3Floyds and start blaming yourself.

We created this monster.

They did not.

I've got a Golden Ticket!

15 minutes

I am beyond excited. Four computers are lined up side by side, each with the online store already pulled up and ready to go. Fast internet connection, check. Phone and tablet for back-up, check. This is going to be great. Even my girlfriend is getting in on the fun and going to help me secure a pair of tickets to the greatest beer release in all the land.

12 minutes

O boy, o boy, O BOY! I’ve waited for this all year. One of my favorite days of the year. I’ve already booked my hotel well ahead of time. Seeing as there is no chance that I won’t secure a pair of tickets, it made sense. I plan on getting drunk. Blacked out drunk on all of the awesome beers that will be available. Stouts. And IPAs. And...and...other stuff. Woo!

10 minutes

I should probably open a beer for this. Celebrate getting tickets to one of the most sought after events in the craft beer community. Maybe something from the brewery that is hosting the event. Support the place that is going through all of this trouble for a fan-hyped beer release. Maybe I’ll even have one of the special beers from last year...that would be perfect!

7 minutes

Almost time! I better refresh really quick just to make sure they haven’t gone on sale early. Should I? Yea, let’s do it! 

........

Nope nothing yet. 

5 minutes

I have my whole day planned out. I’m going to get there before everyone else. Really, really early in the morning, maybe even the night before. Right when we get there I’ll open up my 13% bourbon barrel aged imperial stout. Some sours after that, followed by some hops. I should probably bring some water too, or maybe a couple of beers with a lower percentage of alcohol so I don’t end up passed out in the grass at 11 am. This festival does last the whole day. Screw it. Go big or go home, right?!

2 minutes

I’m starting to get a little nervous. What happens if I don’t get tickets? No way. Of course I’ll get tickets. I’m a diehard fan. They owe me. I’ve been drinking their beer for like...2 years. I’ve given all of their beers good reviews on beer websites and even bought a shirt and had it mailed to me. They should be begging me to go with all that I have done for them.

0 minutes.

REFRESH! Computer one. Computer two. Jen, did you refresh your computers?! Get with it!

Why are my computers going so slow?! WHY?! Go faster! Stop spinning, you stupid ball, and load the page!

Hurry!!

Error 404. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

Come on, come on, COME ON! 

Page cannot be refreshed. SHIT!

Wait! Jen is in! Rare beer release here we come! 

Session 1 is sold out. Please choose another session. Huh, already?! 

Session 2 is sold out. Please choose another session. You have got to be kidding me!!

Session 3 is sold out. Sorry!

WHAT THE FUCK?! How can all of tickets already be sold out?! It has been like two minutes! Quick, check Facebook. People always start to post on Facebook and complain when tickets are sold out.

I can’t believe I didn’t get any tickets! This is bullshit! I’m like this brewery’s biggest fan, been supporting them for years and this is how they repay me? I’m going to post something angry on Twitter. Better yet, I’ll go to the brewery’s Facebook page and post something mean and passive aggressive. I’ll also go on the beer forums and complain about how all of these fair weather, trendy craft beer fans stole all of the tickets.

I may even write a strongly-worded letter to the owner himself!

I can’t believe this shit.  How can this brewery treat their fans like this? How can they make their tickets available online to everyone in what is probably the fairest way possible but not save a pair of tickets to a sort-of local mildly hardcore craft beer drinker who has been drinking their beer for 2 years!

THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY!

I’m done. Never going to drink their beer again. How dare they brew a beer that everyone wants and then try to please the most amount of people possible and spread around the love as much as they can. 

THEY DIDN’T CATER SPECIFICALLY TO ME!

Screw it.

I’m too good for their beer anyway.